|All Clean Jokes|
A burglar found a prime neighborhood with nice houses and lots of older people who would be gone to Florida for the winter. He watches a particular house for several days before deciding that it would be safe to hit.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed.
"Just a dumb bird," he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Rotweiller sitting beneath the parrot's perch.
"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
A man, his wife, and his son from waaaay out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have. One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack in it. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button nest to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, vougly dressed, sachays out, walking by the man and his son whos eyes and dropped jaws follow her by.
The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Boooyyy", says the man to his son... "Go get 'cho mother!"
Is There a Santa Clause?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
D: roll over
C: play dead
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one kind-of like this" once
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 95"
D: lick and drag
Inexplicable physical feature
C: scroll lock key
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
At end of useful life
C: tax deduction